shewholies's Diaryland Diary



"I now lay in a grave of matching pillowcases stuffed with mismatched pillows waiting for someone who loved me to show me love in the present tense." - Charles K Carter, "Zombie"

7:13 a.m. - 01.27.23



We are castaways
marooned on a desert island.

I thought it would be more Gilligan and less Wilson.

I dreamed of coconut and banana trees
only to have my hopes dashed by reality.

8:04 a.m. - 01.26.23



I have a series of new mantras I'm trying out, all much more positive, much more empowering.

I've built a neuropathway that is not remotely helpful but is incredibly stubborn.

I still catch myself starting to say it, but I always steer out of it. If the whole thing manages to escape my lips, I say, "NO! I don't want to kill myself. I want to build a life that I don't want to escape from."

I think I mean it. And I'm going to keep beating this drum until I know for certain that I do.

1:01 p.m. - 01.24.23



I'm alone, in the car, driving to work and I whisper, "I'm going to kill myself," to nobody in particular. I'm not having a bad day or feeling any more sad than usual, but still the words spill out of my mouth.

I don't know where I picked this habit up; I've only become conscious of it in the last few months. I think it's a way to self soothe, to feel like I have some manner of control over myself and my life and my situation.

I'm not certain if I want to die or if I just want everything to stop. Maybe both, maybe neither.

I do know that my words are powerful--that speaking this out loud a few dozen times a day cannot possibly be good for me. But what to replace it with? What should my new mantra be?

"I'm going to survive this," I say softly to the same nobody I've been confiding in for the past couple of years.

It doesn't feel the same. It doesn't comfort me or make me feel empowered or in control but I have to try.

8:49 a.m. - 11.03.22



I remember being in my early and mid twenties, eating shit tons of hallucinogens and thinking I'd found the answers.

I miss that feeling so bad.

4:30 p.m. - 08.25.22


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